Last semester, I bought a bag of cookies from a vending machine, and there were only three cookies in it. Dennis told me I could write them a letter, send them the bag, and they would send me a free box of cookies. It took a few months, but I finally mailed the damn thing.
A couple days ago, I got this in the mail:
"Dear Mr. Max Hurwitz,
We appreciate the time you took to report the experience you had with Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies, and apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Our goal is to provide customers with wholesome, high-quality products. Stringent quality control measures are set for each of of our manufacturing process from the delivery of raw materials through the distribution of packaged foods.
You have the right to expect top-quality products from our company, and we make a concerted effort to maintain the highest standards with every package we produce. Many inspections take place during the packaging operation to prevent a situation like the one you reported. Occasionally, a partially-filled or unfilled package may get through the system undetected.
We value the comments you have shared with us and will report them to our Quality Assurance team for follow-up. The information that you provided will help ensure that our products and services continue to meet the highest quality standards.
We hope you will be pleased with your next purchase, and are sending a coupon for you to use the next time you shop.
Sincerely,
Natalie Felix
Consumer Affairs Department"
That response sounded like it came directly from the "politically correct things to say to an upset customer" manual. "We value the comments you have shared with us"? Come on, Kellogg's. You don't value shit.
I want my box of fucking cookies.
2.13.2008
2.02.2008
they're so open minded
This morning, France made history. It became the first country whose First Lady can be seen naked at any time.
Congratulation, France!
Congratulation, France!
1.29.2008
a big victory for lawyers everywhere
To say that the United States is a haven for moronic litigation is so cliché that I'm embarrassed I started my blog post like this. But I just read in the Daily Trojan (USC's primo attempt at journalism) about one lawsuit that is particularly close to my heart.
For those who aren't familiar with the fascinating politics of the West Adams neighborhood, USC has, for the past 100 years, been slowly eating away at the original neighborhood like a fungus. Any traces of non-University-related businesses or residences are rapidly disappearing, leaving an amorphous mass of Victorian structures right next new apartments built out of cheap plaster and hope.
One company (appropriately named "Conquest") has established itself as the official slumlord of USC, owning and "operating" over a dozen buildings in the area. Conquest is the devil. Their prices are ridiculous, their maintenance is laughable, and they admittedly take advantage of students who are just learning the process of leasing an apartment.
In the past few years, though, they have been winding down a particularly evil path. See, USC admits it has a housing problem. As they make the transition from a commuter school to an international college destination, they've been struggling finding the space to house their students. They can't build dorms fast enough. Recently, the school developed a plan to build a structure called the "University Gateway", which would be a mixed-use building on the corner of Jefferson and Fig that would contain retail space and housing for 1,600 students.
Conquest smelled a threat to it's diabolical monopoly, and did the only thing it could: sue. They sued the school for wanting to house students in buildings that weren't owned by Conquest. Seems ridiculous, but Conquest managed to throw enough bureaucratic hurdles in the permitting process to delay the project for two years. But USC had a plan: they sued Conquest for suing them. Hilarity ensued.
Today the DT announced that a settlement had been reached: both lawsuits were dropped on the condition that Conquest and USC aren't allowed to sue each other any more. Matthew Burton, a leader of the project, called the verdict "a big victory."
Excuse me? A big victory? If spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees and ending up right back where you started is a big victory, then I clearly have been setting my sights too high. They went to court to fight for the right to not go to court anymore.
I love America!
For those who aren't familiar with the fascinating politics of the West Adams neighborhood, USC has, for the past 100 years, been slowly eating away at the original neighborhood like a fungus. Any traces of non-University-related businesses or residences are rapidly disappearing, leaving an amorphous mass of Victorian structures right next new apartments built out of cheap plaster and hope.
One company (appropriately named "Conquest") has established itself as the official slumlord of USC, owning and "operating" over a dozen buildings in the area. Conquest is the devil. Their prices are ridiculous, their maintenance is laughable, and they admittedly take advantage of students who are just learning the process of leasing an apartment.
In the past few years, though, they have been winding down a particularly evil path. See, USC admits it has a housing problem. As they make the transition from a commuter school to an international college destination, they've been struggling finding the space to house their students. They can't build dorms fast enough. Recently, the school developed a plan to build a structure called the "University Gateway", which would be a mixed-use building on the corner of Jefferson and Fig that would contain retail space and housing for 1,600 students.
Conquest smelled a threat to it's diabolical monopoly, and did the only thing it could: sue. They sued the school for wanting to house students in buildings that weren't owned by Conquest. Seems ridiculous, but Conquest managed to throw enough bureaucratic hurdles in the permitting process to delay the project for two years. But USC had a plan: they sued Conquest for suing them. Hilarity ensued.
Today the DT announced that a settlement had been reached: both lawsuits were dropped on the condition that Conquest and USC aren't allowed to sue each other any more. Matthew Burton, a leader of the project, called the verdict "a big victory."
Excuse me? A big victory? If spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees and ending up right back where you started is a big victory, then I clearly have been setting my sights too high. They went to court to fight for the right to not go to court anymore.
I love America!
1.28.2008
lowbrow
I want to know when collages made from cut-outs of porn magazines found on the street became considered high art.
Can someone explain to me why that deserves more respect than Armageddon?
Can someone explain to me why that deserves more respect than Armageddon?
1.21.2008
1.17.2008
medic!
Monday morning was the first day of a brand new semester. I woke up with a stomach ache.
Tuesday was the second day of a brand new semester. I woke up with a stomach ache again.
Wednesday was the third day. No stomach ache. It instead showed up at about 2 pm, worse than ever.
Thursday I decided to go to the doctor. I had no symptoms aside from constant pain, and it was to the point where I was pretty sure I'd ruptured something important, and it was slowly leaking in to my abdomen, which would soon cause my midsection to inflate like a water balloon until my skin couldn't contain the mess.
Turns out I was wrong. Blood work came back completely clean, which lead to the diagnosis of, "Well, it looks like you're body's just having a lot of trouble digesting something. Make sure you drink a lot of water and try to eat a lot of oatmeal."
Isn't it embarrassing when you go to the doctor and it turns out you're just a pussy?
Tuesday was the second day of a brand new semester. I woke up with a stomach ache again.
Wednesday was the third day. No stomach ache. It instead showed up at about 2 pm, worse than ever.
Thursday I decided to go to the doctor. I had no symptoms aside from constant pain, and it was to the point where I was pretty sure I'd ruptured something important, and it was slowly leaking in to my abdomen, which would soon cause my midsection to inflate like a water balloon until my skin couldn't contain the mess.
Turns out I was wrong. Blood work came back completely clean, which lead to the diagnosis of, "Well, it looks like you're body's just having a lot of trouble digesting something. Make sure you drink a lot of water and try to eat a lot of oatmeal."
Isn't it embarrassing when you go to the doctor and it turns out you're just a pussy?
1.11.2008
1.10.2008
ocean of light
For all its artifice, the sodium-vapor glow of the Los Angeles basin that can be seen from a plane is really quite breathtaking.
My apartment welcomed me home last night by promptly dropping a glass light fixture from the ceiling as I attempted to turn on a light. It shattered on the ground. I'm also out of toilet paper.
Hollywood, I'm back!
My apartment welcomed me home last night by promptly dropping a glass light fixture from the ceiling as I attempted to turn on a light. It shattered on the ground. I'm also out of toilet paper.
Hollywood, I'm back!
1.09.2008
but seriously
It's now a little more than a week in to the new year, and it turns out my list of resolutions may have been a wee bit optimistic. To save face, I've scaled it back a bit:
1. Floss. Every day, starting Thursday.
2. Some form of anaerobic exercise every day, starting Thursday.
3. Write at least one page a day, starting Thursday.
4. Netflix at least one new movie a week (and actually watch them). Starting Thursday.
As you may have noticed, none of these resolutions actually start until January 10th. Why? Well, I'm still in Seattle. But by Wednesday night, I'm going to be back in Los Angeles, and my life will be returning to its regularly scheduled program of working lots and sleeping little.
And honestly, it's about damn time. This cushy living up here in Seattle is getting tiresome. No work, no obligations. Just a lot of sleeping until noon and vegging in front of the TV. I'm turning into a slack-jawed, brainless lump.
Let's get some shit done, aiight?
1. Floss. Every day, starting Thursday.
2. Some form of anaerobic exercise every day, starting Thursday.
3. Write at least one page a day, starting Thursday.
4. Netflix at least one new movie a week (and actually watch them). Starting Thursday.
As you may have noticed, none of these resolutions actually start until January 10th. Why? Well, I'm still in Seattle. But by Wednesday night, I'm going to be back in Los Angeles, and my life will be returning to its regularly scheduled program of working lots and sleeping little.
And honestly, it's about damn time. This cushy living up here in Seattle is getting tiresome. No work, no obligations. Just a lot of sleeping until noon and vegging in front of the TV. I'm turning into a slack-jawed, brainless lump.
Let's get some shit done, aiight?
1.04.2008
resolved
1. I will maintain a healthier lifestyle
a. Exercising regularly
b. Eating more, and more healthily
c. Getting a reasonable amount of sleep at least 4 nights a week
2. I will be more responsible with my time
a. Not getting sucked in to the internet and/or television
b. Scheduling my life, fastidiously, because I obviously cannot rely on my memory
3. I will participate in activities that help foster creativity and imagination
a. Write (something) every day
b. Take pictures. Lots of pictures.
4. I will finish the things I start
a. Minimize distractions when starting a task
b. Make cur
a. Exercising regularly
b. Eating more, and more healthily
c. Getting a reasonable amount of sleep at least 4 nights a week
2. I will be more responsible with my time
a. Not getting sucked in to the internet and/or television
b. Scheduling my life, fastidiously, because I obviously cannot rely on my memory
3. I will participate in activities that help foster creativity and imagination
a. Write (something) every day
b. Take pictures. Lots of pictures.
4. I will finish the things I start
a. Minimize distractions when starting a task
b. Make cur
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