two wheels are better than four

On Friday I participated in my least favorite Los Angeles activity: driving cross-town, west-to-east, at 4:30 pm.

For those who don't know, Los Angeles rush hour is a fascinating phenomenon, especially on Friday. Said rush hour lasts from about 3:30 until 8:30, completely clogging a number of freeways, but especially the 10 East, from Santa Monica all the way to east of downtown. I'm talking a bumper-to-bumper, don't-break-10 mph-the-whole-drive shitshow.

So I'm sitting somewhere between National and La Cienega, about 40 minutes after I left Pacific Palisades, and I hear it: a high pitched whine. I know what's coming. I scoot my car a little to the left and a motorcycle whizzes by, whitelining between the lanes. Then another. Five minutes later, another passes. And again. All flying by the thousands of immobile vehicles on the freeway.

By the twentieth motorcycle, I got to thinking: cars are the devil. If I were appointed King of Transportation in the United States, my first order of business would to be ban cars and force all the manufacturing plants to start cranking out motorcycles.

"Max," you say, "that's crazy! That would never work!" This is where you're wrong. Motorcycles are objectively much better than cars. That's right, I said it: objectively. They can park almost anywhere, they all get 50-60 miles per gallon, and they have better acceleration and handling than any car on the market.

"But they're dangerous!" No. The motorcycle itself is not dangerous. What makes motorcycles dangerous is the prospect of getting nailed by a car, which would obviously put the motorcycle driver at a mass disadvantage. If no cars were on the road (due to my ban), all things would be equal and it wouldn't be any more dangerous than driving a Mini Cooper.

"But you can't carry passengers!" Almost every motorcycle can carry at least two people. Need to carry more? Get a sidecar. Nobody really carpools anyway, so don't try to pass this off as an excuse.

"But you can't carry groceries and stuff!" Most motorcycles have pouches or bins or something to carry junk. If that's not enough, get a sidecar. If that's not enough, I'm sure some company would start manufacturing detachable trailers or something for motorcycles to carry all that "stuff" you need.

"But they're so loud!" Wrong again. Most motorcycle owners have their bikes modified so that they are louder than they have to be, mostly so that oblivious car owners can hear them coming and won't nail them with their SUVs. A motorcycle isn't inherently louder than any other car.

"But... but... you're crazy!" Possibly, but this is a good idea. Motorcycles use a fraction of the resources of cars, in terms of construction, pollution, and even space. This is a good idea. Write your congressman or something.